Witch's Gang of "Goblins" Terrorizing, Sexually Harassing Village

Witch’s Gang of “Goblins” Terrorizing, Sexually Harassing Village


Last week a 67 year old witch confessed to owning 10 goblins blamed for wreaking havoc in rural Zimbabwe.

Ms. Clara Mashoko confessed to the crimes committed by her roving gang of goblins, claiming the weight of the crimes was weighing heavily on her conscience. The goblins, she says, are out of control and more demanding from her than usual, even going so far as to tell reporters that the monsters have begun sexually abusing her.

Mashoko, a self-proclaimed witch, told The Sunday Mail that she had been forcibly inducted into witchcraft by her grandmother at a young age, but that in the wake of the last year her spell casting days are drawing to a close.


“My life is now a living hell. My goblins are now tormenting me. I am also being haunted by dead people who always appear in my dreams. I am now tired of witchcraft and I am looking for anyone who can assist me to get rid of the goblins as well as extricating me from witchcraft,” she told reporters last week.

Mashoko claims to have turned to many traditional healers over the past few weeks in hopes of ridding herself from her goblins, and in more recent days has even turned to the church for ask for assistance.

“Now I am desperately in need of help and seeking to accept Jesus Christ into my life, but my goblins are proving to be a stumbling block.”

Let this be a lesson to anyone looking to recruit some goblins of their very own, because seriously, how else would that really end? The whole thing reminds me of that old saying: If you give a goblin an inch, he’ll grab your ass and terrorize your entire neighborhood.

How would you deal with a gang of unruly goblins? Share your thoughts with us on Facebook, tweet us @WhoForted, or leave a comment below!


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  1. Henry

    05/27/2013 at 3:23 PM

    A strangely common sort of report out of Africa.

    African Lady: No means no!
    Goblin: Please? Just an inch, I promise.
    African Lady: Well…

  2. Coppertop

    05/27/2013 at 3:56 PM

    That is one hell of an old saying you’ve got there, Dana.

    And man, Goblins sure are tearing up Zimbabwe and the rest of Africa. Is there a piece in their mythology about goblins? I’m pretty sure they’re not the goblins of European myth (hell, “goblin” is probably just the closest translation), so what are these things, mythologically speaking?

    And why the hell are they so *rambunctious* as of late? Are they forming a union or something?

    • Dana Newkirk

      05/28/2013 at 12:13 PM

      It was passed down to me by me ooooold grandmother Trollella!

  3. Wendy

    05/27/2013 at 6:23 PM

    I was going to ask how one says “duende” in Zimbabwe, but it turns out they have 16 official languages there, so let’s just skip it.

  4. Cherie

    05/28/2013 at 10:21 AM

    Nice picture of Bowie from Labyrinth, I thought.

  5. alanborky

    05/28/2013 at 11:01 AM

    “reminds me of that old saying: If you give a goblin an inch, he’ll grab your ass and terrorize your entire neighborhood.”

    Oh man the places I could go with that if I wasn’t such a fine upstanding example of English gentlemanhood.

    • Dana Newkirk

      05/28/2013 at 12:15 PM

      We can always trust Mr. Borky to keep it classy 😉

  6. Sebastian

    05/28/2013 at 5:40 PM

    I’m pretty sure my good ol’ grams used to catch goblins with cubed cheese, Bbq sauce, and that tingly mint lubricant. Good luck.

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