A lot of people ask me, “Scott L, how can I get myself into an active ghost hunting group that goes on hunts and does research, and be as cool as you?”. Well, there’s a lot to that. There are many things you want to take a look at and observe before you sign your soul over to the certified nut job or full blown crack addict who elected himself “President” of the club that you’re pledging yourself to. The best thing to do is go on a ghost hunt or investigation with the group in question and see what they are all about, so-to-say. Here are some things you will want to look for:
1) As an observer, the first thing you want to take note of is the group’s leadership. Watch how the self-appointed President treats the other members. Here’s a few things to look for in a good leader:
A) The group president is in control of everything, no one else can have any delegated job of any significance. This is the president’s vision, so no input is needed from anyone.
B) Make sure he treats the Vice President like complete shit, also make sure he treats anyone who helps him out in starting his “business” like complete shit, that way you know he takes no shit and the group is run like a pirate ship full of transvestites in a hurricane.
C) The group president does not put in for gas money, he has all of his money invested in the groups website costs, t-shirts, and borrowed computer from Rent-A-Center to build the groups website anyway.
Look for these things and you can be confident that you will be joining a group with flawless leadership and no skeletons lingering in the closet.
2) Everything you see and hear is a ghost, without a doubt! You want to belong to a group that has already decided before they put their foot in a cemetery that the afterlife is real. Remember, you are right and everyone else is stupid.
3) Building on rule #2 – when you see or hear a ghost, you want to make sure that everyone you are with including the people driving by the cemetery know that you saw or heard one. So let them know in the most dramatic way possible, this will convince them that there is a ghost around and a million flashes will go off at the same time blinding and killing any forest animals within a ten mile radius.
4) Remember, this is a serious investigation. Things are going to need to be organized and quiet; so bring as many people as possible. You see if there is a group of 25 people giggling, smoking cigarettes, and talking about how scared they are at the top of their lungs, the ghosts will try to be louder to get your attention and possibly manifest themselves as an apparition in front of you.
5) Make sure all of the members bring their cell-phones with them to call their friends at the kegger they are missing to say “you won’t believe where I’m at right now!”
6) There is only one kind of flashlight, million candle illuminators. These are the only thing to use in a place of rest and serenity such as a cemetery. Remember, If you can’t land a helicopter with it, you can’t ghost hunt with it.
7) Make sure when going out on an adventurous night of ghost hunting that everyone attending drives separately. This way, when the police drive by the cemetery you are investigating at 1 in the morning and see a sight resembling Joe’s Used Car Lot, they are assured that a group has assembled to guard the cemetery from evil wrong-doers who wish to come in the cemetery for a night of urinating on, licking, and humping the tombstones located there.
If you watch out closely for these things while pledging different ghost hunting groups, rest assured you will find yourself in a world class investigation unit, worthy of global attention for outstanding documentation and ethics in paranormal investigations. Good Luck!
*Originally Written On Friday, October 03, 2003