Welcome to Part Two of Scott L’s series of instructional compositions to assist the amateur ghost hunter or paranormal enthusiast in the decisions they will make while trying to prove the existence of the afterlife or whatever crack-brain theory, belief, or drug induced revelation your cult leader has uploaded into your CPU this week. For the first part in the series, read “Scott L’s Guide To: Joining a Ghost Hunting Team”.
Now that you are an expert on what to look for when looking to join a ghost hunting group, I’ll attempt to give you a good idea of what you’ll need to do when you finally decide to ditch those losers that you mistakenly called friends, the ones in your old group, once you have drained them of what money and equipment you could pawn off to support your bisexual-midget-pregnant-donkey porn habit.
Taking the runners is a big step though, and there a lot of things you’ll need to take into account in order to create the illusionthat your team members belong to a serious paranormal investigating powerhouse bound for global domination. So let’s get to it, shall we??
1) The first thing you need to have is a mission statement for your group. A mission statement is a written or oral statement of purpose that can be used to initiate, evaluate, and refine all of your group’s activities. It serves as a road map, guiding you to the success you think you deserve. Don’t take this too seriously though, because after while, between all of the inter-group arguing, drama, and sex scandals, you will completely forget what your mission statement is. Even if you do scribble it on that Zig Zag paper so you won’t forget it, you will probably smoke it in the future.
2) Next, you’re going to want to think of a catchy name to attract sucke- I mean other ghost hunters, and paranormal enthusiasts to your group. The name should be something catchy and flashy, encompassing what the group does. It should be easy to remember and roll off your tongue, kind of like the way your blood does after you have been socked in the mouth by your significant other for not changing the batteries in the TV controller again.
To make this easier, acronyms are a good way to go. They’re quick, easy, and it adds mystery to the group, because unless you take the Newport out of your mouth and tell them the whole name, people won’t know who the hell you are. You may also want to figure in your geographic location when trying to find a name for your group. For example, if you live in Pinar Del Rio, Cuba, you may want to go with Cuban Ghost Hunters Group (CGHG). You may want to be a bit more specific though, so go with Pinar Del Rio Ghost Hunters Group (PDRGHG). Well, that’s still a little narrow, so I would suggest something like Pinar Del Rio Ghost Hunters Society (PDRGHS) to give it a more scholarly edge. But is ghost hunting all that you’re planning on doing? I mean, you’ll research too, right? You may want to go with something like Pinar Del Rio Ghost Research Society (PDRGRS). But what about the future? You need to remember, the name of your group is very important, it will decide the first impression a potential sucke- I mean member, will get when they read it. Pinar Del Rio Paranormal Ghost Research Society (PDRPGRS) may work or Pinar Del Rio Paranormal Ghost Research Hunting Society (PDRPGRHS) may be a way to go too. Ah, but hang on, we need to consider that ghost hunting is now a global phenomenon, so we ought to add the country to our acronym. Ultimately, Pinar Del Rio Cuba Paranormal Ghost Research Hunting Society would be a great name.
You see? Easy to remember, mysterious, and it rolls right off the tongue.
3) Ok, so we have a mission statement, we have a group name, what we need now are some push-ove- I mean members. Once you have potential slave- I mean members, coming from all corners of the universe to become a part of your group, you are going to need to develop a central means of communication, communication of which you have complete and utter control. Internet bulletin boards or message boards are an excellent means of gathering the minds that will make up your organization. Here you all can congregate whenever you want by means of the computer you stole from your mom to plan hunts, find out what each other look like, or find out what sexual position each of you prefers. You want to make sure everyone makes up cool paranormal nicknames for themselves when posting on the board, like The Shadow or Orb Junkie to enhance their message boarding experience. For more guidelines on message board etiquette, please click here
4) While we’re on the topic of the internet, your next natural progression to proving the existence of the afterlife will be to develop a internet website to compliment your- mean, your group’s message board. If you do not know how to build a website, you can probably find someone, preferrably someone you’ve lured into the group, to build a real nice website for you- I mean, the group. Now, this is good, because you now have a lot more free time to pop zits and give yourself paper cuts as opposed to trying to learn HTML and do the site yourself. But keep in mind, you do not have control over the website. The name of the game is control, people. You have to be in control of everything over the group because it is your group and it will be run your way. Use caution if you are going to outsource the work on the website to another group member. Make sure they are a lot smaller than you, so in the event that your relationship goes sour with your webmaster, you can threaten his/her life until he/she gives up the source code to the website and then you can bitch slap him/her and pee on his/her front porch.
5) By this time you will have assembled a rickety group of misfits whose life’s goal is proving the existence of the afterlife. They are passionate about their work, and it is their primary focus in life (that, and kissing a girl). You may want to set up a governing system within the group to make a few select members who have the most money and equipment feel important. Of course, these roles or positions will carry about as much importance as Pamela Anderson’s view on Keynesian Economics to you, but you can score a lot of rides to your job at the Burger Shack while your car is indefinitely “in the shop” for repair.
Here are some roles you may want to consider having in the hierarchical structure of your….I mean, the group:
You = President (carries the same governing role as God)
Schmoe 1 = Vice President = V.I.N. (Very Important Nobody)
Schmoe 2 = Treasurer (this is who you can borrow money from until you get your next “paycheck”, so make sure they’re loaded)
Schmoe 3 = Research Specialist (this is the person who will spend hours combing the internet for info on locations to investigate, places that you, as the President, can take full credit for.)
These are just a few of the fake titles you can give the members of your group to give the appearance that this is a “team” effort while still keeping a stranglehold on all activities of your….oops, I mean the group.
6) Now that you have things rolling like a 20 ton block of granite, it will be time to start “trimming the fat” so to say. Sometimes, certain people just don’t fit the chemistry of your- damnit, I mean the group, and they have to go. The only way to do this is to start multiple rumors about them simultaneously.
Some good ones to get the water boiling are:
“Dude, (insert name here) is totally gay! He/She tried hitting on me!!”
“Dude, (insert name here) was hitting on my girlfriend/boyfriend.”
“Dude, (insert name here) hacked into my Yahoo Messenger and told (insert name here) that he/she wants to stick a (insert object here) in his/her (insert orifice here).
This should get the person being ousted so angry that they will quit the group, thereby relieving you, the President, of any managerial duty. Like having talk to them on any professional level whatsoever.
7) Repeat steps 4 through 6 until you are left all by yourself or the group dissolves. Just always remember; it is your group and you will run it your way.
Don’t forget to have fun!
*Originally Written On Sunday, October 19, 2003
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