I have to confess, recent reports of a gang of vigilante leprechauns patrolling the streets of Seattle, defending damsels in distress and leaving bloody, battered victims in their wake, at first gave me quite a giggle. After all, the incident that brought these marauders out into the limelight reportedly took place outside a bar, just before closing time. Need I say more?
However, knowing that I needed an article to post here at Who Forted? I thought, what the heck – this might be worth delving into. After all, how often does leprechaunian gang violence actually make the news? Strike while the iron’s hot – that’s my motto!
Most of you have probably already seen the reports but I’ll briefly recap, just in case, you know, you don’t have “Leprechaun attacks” bookmarked on Google News like I do.
As the scene opens, our victim, who remains nameless at this point, was doing what most guys do when they’re in a bar and had too much to drink – hitting on some poor, defenseless, and probably equally as drunk, female, and trying to drag her onto the dance floor.
The approaching band of vigilante leprechauns, in defense of said damsel in distress, drug our hapless victim out to the curb, where all the best bar brawls take place, and beat the crap outta the guy, leaving him battered and bloody and holding his head, according to police reports.
When the cops asked our victim who attacked him, he responded “It was a bunch of leprechauns!”
Of course the police were unable to find this band of little men in green, nor could they find any other likely culprit in the vicinity and everyone seems to be brushing this off as a case of overindulgence on the part of the victim. Perhaps he had a little too much Guiness or maybe he’s been kissing the Blarney Stone or loading up too many four leaf clovers in the ol’ pipe, if ya know what I mean…
Anyway, after reading about this harrowing ordeal, I giggled, and then I thought to myself, “What if this really happened? What if there really is a leprechaun sect that lends itself to the defenses of damsels in distress and they just roam around, invisibly taking out drunken sots whenever they get the chance?”
And then, as so often happens when I’m trying to come up with a unique angle for an article, a thought suddenly occurred to me – “If they really do exist, where were those little super heroes last night when that drunken A-hole spilled a beer in my new Louis Vuitton bag while he was trying to get a peek down my shirt?”
So, the questions of the day are – If leprechauns really do exist, why don’t we ever see them? And, if leprechauns really do exist, how do poor, defenseless damsels like myself get them to come to our assistance?
Of course, like you, my first response was – Where the HELL will I go to find answers to those questions? Seriously. I mean, is there somebody out there who’s considered to be an expert on leprechauns?
Surprisingly, yes there is. Two somebodies, as a matter of fact. Dr. Christian von Lahr and Christopher Valentine. According to these guys, leprechauns are real, and if I’d only concentrate I’d be able to see them. And even more important, these guys know how to attract leprechauns and get them to come to your aid. Yes. I know. Now you have to finish reading this to find out how it ends, right?
OK. According to von Lahr and Valentine, leprechauns are real and they exist on the same plane as human beings, which is to say they’re not other-wordly creatures like ghosts or demons. Which also means we can see them – with a little practice.
To see a leprechaun you have to train your eyes, kind of like you have to do when you want to see those images hidden in those optical illusion posters that used to be so popular. Von Lahr suggests staring at a dot on a piece of paper until your eyes feel like they’re crossing.
These two experts in leprechaunology claim that leprechauns are of a lighter form of energy than human beings. Because they’re not as dense as we are, they’re nearly invisible unless we look for them using the outer part of our eye. And then, once we know what we’re looking for, we’ll be able to see their energy outline, or aura.
According to Valentine and von Larh, leprechauns are everywhere, they live for hundreds and hundreds of years, and they’re trained to be care-takers for the human race. You may even have leprechauns living in your house, they claim.
Have you ever misplaced your car keys and the turned up again, days later, in the very place you thought you’d left them? According to the experts, you can blame it on the leprechauns. This is a little trick they pull to get your attention. And when you say, “Who did that?!” they consider that an invitation and they move into your home.
Now, Valentine and von Larh also claim that leprechauns will grant wishes – within reason, of course. And who doesn’t want their own little resident genii? So they both offered suggestions on how you can attract a few of these magical super heroes into your home.
Leprechauns, they tell us, are attracted to the colors green and red in nature, so the best place to find them is near shrubs and flowers that have lots of green and red colors. As bait, they suggest you use – and yes, I’m completely serious here – Jameson’s Irish Whiskey or Heineken Beer.
Now, the chances that I’d ever waste a shot of Jameson’s or spend money on a Heineken to leave it out in the garden for leprechaun bait are slim to none. And to me, that just sounds pretentious, anyway.
However, if they’re willing to lower themselves and join me in a Bud Light Lime and a shot of Skyy, then, yeah, bring it on. I’ll even buy the next round if they stay sober enough to defend my honor and drag that A-hole at the end of the bar out to the curb.