When writing for The Anomalist, or reading Who Forted? on the down-low at work, the most awesome stories are the ones hailing from the dark continent. Consider the sad tale of one Cornelius Dhilwayo suffering through an erotic Twilight Zone episode. After enjoying an affair with a married woman, he discovered she bore something far worse than a scorching case of the clap. His mistress’s husband was wise to his wife’s wiles, subjecting her to something known as an “African Central Locking System”. Instead of this poor sap getting stuck like a bitch taking the knot, that voodoo the husband could do so well, cursed Corny’s pecker to be unavailable when most needed. Like wanting to do the nasty, or drain the lizard.
Stranger still, the mistress may have been malicious knowing her hidden treasure was already cursed with the runyoka after sharing the love. Word has it she skeedaddled to South Africa to be by her husband’s side and Mr. Dhilwayo left hanging. Wait, scratch that. He’s not hanging anymore. Even the ladies need to worry about adulterous activities, as one woman’s vagina vanished after a dalliance with a married man.
Many cures abound for this curse also serving as a charm for cuckolds. Back ’round February MyZimbabwe reported on a guy who was told he could regain use of his wang after drinking the caster’s urine. One would think people would be more savvy to such schoolyard shenanigans, but when it comes down to a man’s bottom line I can’t think of anyone who won’t move heaven and Earth to restore their pole. Making matters worse, fellow villagers and family thought a holy man could save the victim. Can you hear the fedora-wearing atheists, who solicit women in elevators, snarking, “Science didn’t kill Takesure Tshuma, God did. Checkmate!”
Are these merely cases of severe paruresis, magnified by mass hysteria or might there be a supernatural element? What would be the western equivalents of runyoka and other sorcerous sexual scourges? More importantly, will Obamacare cover these cases? Give your two cents in the comments.