Last week a 67 year old witch confessed to owning 10 goblins blamed for wreaking havoc in rural Zimbabwe.
Ms. Clara Mashoko confessed to the crimes committed by her roving gang of goblins, claiming the weight of the crimes was weighing heavily on her conscience. The goblins, she says, are out of control and more demanding from her than usual, even going so far as to tell reporters that the monsters have begun sexually abusing her.
Mashoko, a self-proclaimed witch, told The Sunday Mail that she had been forcibly inducted into witchcraft by her grandmother at a young age, but that in the wake of the last year her spell casting days are drawing to a close.
“My life is now a living hell. My goblins are now tormenting me. I am also being haunted by dead people who always appear in my dreams. I am now tired of witchcraft and I am looking for anyone who can assist me to get rid of the goblins as well as extricating me from witchcraft,” she told reporters last week.
Mashoko claims to have turned to many traditional healers over the past few weeks in hopes of ridding herself from her goblins, and in more recent days has even turned to the church for ask for assistance.
“Now I am desperately in need of help and seeking to accept Jesus Christ into my life, but my goblins are proving to be a stumbling block.”
Let this be a lesson to anyone looking to recruit some goblins of their very own, because seriously, how else would that really end? The whole thing reminds me of that old saying: If you give a goblin an inch, he’ll grab your ass and terrorize your entire neighborhood.