Info-Bores: How to Bring Down the Illuminati (Without Alex Jones)

Info-Bores: How to Bring Down the Illuminati (Without Alex Jones)

Greg recently posted a link to an excellent article that details the genesis of Alex Jones’ warped conception of the world which came to a hilt last night on Piers Morgan’s talk show. Now, I don’t think a whole lot about Morgan and have tried to avoid him other than the times my wife watched America’s Got Talent when I was in the room, but I don’t think I’m alone in thinking that it was Jones who came off as completely insane.

Last month I proposed to Greg that I wanted to write an article about the comedian Bill Hicks who was famous for his irreverent but insightful style of stand-up during the late eighties and early nineties. Unsurprisingly reading the article about Jones reminded me of my prior intention and helped me coalesce some of my perspectives on the subject of conspiracies.

I say unsurprisingly not because Jones and Hicks are alike, but because there is a regrettable theory floating around, based on a slight physical resemblance and on account of them both being Texans, among some of Hicks’ former fans that he and Jones may be one and the same. It’s just, back in 1994; Bill faked his death, a la Andy Kaufman, and decided to drop all pretense of wit, brilliance, and humanity and became the raving, gun-obsessed, demagogue that is Alex Jones. That and the article points out that Jones’ unhappy fixation with the NWO and other conspiracy theories can be traced back to being exposed to the Waco siege which occurred in February-April 1993. The article rightly points out that another right-wing, anti-NWO, conspiracy theorist felt that Koresh and the Branch Davidians were martyrs; namely, Timothy McVeigh. Despite that this puts him in some bad company it should be noted that Bill Hicks was also horrified by what happened in Waco, Texas.


Like Jones, Hicks believed that the government was to blame for the events at Waco. Hicks understood that Koresh wasn’t the pure martyr that some of his apologists paint him out to be (it makes one wonder if they really believe that he was Christ). In interviews before the Waco massacre he mocks Koresh’s dubious sexual practices and the futility of his armed showdown with the ATF. Like Jones, Hicks did believe that there was a conspiracy; that the message of Waco was that the government will demolish your life if you try to live outside of society. Listening to his later routines he is very bitter over the whole affair and declares the U.S. government, all governments in fact, to be liars and murderers. I agree. Yet, I do not agree with Alex Jones.

Is this because I have some bias against right wingers? Probably, or at least in part. I don’t particularly care about gun ownership, and let me remind any reader who is more enthusiastic about that subject that this is a paranormal website; I’m here to talk about “conspiracy theories” not second amendment rights.  It may be because Jones has no sense of humor; his distrust of government and societal institutions is nothing more than raging paranoia and a love affair with his own voice. You see, Hicks has a famous routine where he closed one of his sets talking about “the eyes of Love” and “the eyes of Fear.” The world is an ugly place at times, there’s no way around that. Yet we can look at it all through the eyes of Love and realize that we are all one and try to come closer together or we can look at it through the eyes of fear and drown ourselves in television and consumerism, buy more guns and put bigger locks on our doors.

Jones and his ilk are certainly looking through the eyes of fear. Sure I’ve heard him rage against “consumerism” but anyone with a lick of sense can see that the NRA, which is run by large gun companies, has a consumerist agenda as well. Unlike Hicks, Jones makes conspiracy theories seem like they are centered on a shadowy but coherent movement that runs everything. Usually these movements, whether they are the Elders of Zion, the Illuminati, the Freemasons, the Reptilians, or the NWO, want to subjugate us in a way eerily similar to Orwell’s 1984. How are we to give any credence to conspiracy theories if this is how they operate? I mean, for how long people have been predicting these endgames not one has come to fruition. If there is some shadow government in order or an eye at the top of the pyramid they are magnificently incompetent. Viewed this way the Reptoids are more like Peter Sellers in the Pink Panther than brilliant, fourth dimensional masterminds.

The simple answer to this conundrum is that most people don’t believe in some all-powerful malignant body. That’s not to say that I don’t believe in sinister forces in the world. The CIA are very real and there’s little hidden about their heinous crimes. I believe in a few conspiracies; like anyone who uses marijuana regularly I not only think but know that there has to be a conspiracy behind it being outlawed in the United States. Incompetence alone could not explain why cannabis, a mostly harmless substance that is undoubtedly less dangerous than tobacco or alcohol, is still classed by the government and accepted by many doctors to be more dangerous than most painkillers and psychoactive pills.  It’s just, unlike someone like Jones, I believe the conspiracy probably boils down to “stubbornness to admit we’re wrong about things” more than “wanting to push suicide pills because the New World Order really believes Malthus.” And I think it’s probably a wise choice to avoid believing what the Powers That Be say 100%. Or what any group that wants power says. People who desire power are generally willingly to lie to get and/or keep power; history would concur with this assessment.

So how do those of us with a critical eye towards society and government avoid becoming like Jones and his followers? The way that Bill Hicks seemed to avoid it was humor. The great conspiracy author Robert Anton Wilson also utilized humor to both sell his points and prevent himself from going mad. Both men believed in some generally “kooky” stuff. Both men loved psychedelics. And both men were exemplary human beings who praised love above all else and didn’t come off as the loathsome, sweaty ball of lard that somehow makes an idiot pundit like Piers-fucking-Morgan look good.

Alan Moore, in his tribute to Robert Anton Wilson speaks about his collaboration with Bob Shea, the famous Illuminatus! Trilogy: “while elsewhere in the yesterday-today-tomorrow world, it’s the mid-seventies. The Unified Field Theorem of American Anxiety become a textbook guide to hilarious occult anarchy, a trilogy that pulled it all together and changed paranoia from an illness into an illuminating game, before Dan Brown and David Icke hit town to change it back again.

You see, Wilson and Hicks give us a way to believe the unbelievable and rage against the failings of this world that isn’t the bitchy lowest common denominator trash offered by The Da Vinci Code and survivalists. They both believed in other worlds, or other facets of this world; Bob Wilson chronicles some of his magical, psychedelic, and weird experiences (and those of many, many other people) scrupulously over the course of all his fiction and nonfiction writings. Hicks spoke candidly about his belief that he was taken aboard a flying saucer during the Harmonious Convergence back in ’87 and how it improved his perspective on life.

If there’s one thing we can learn from Waco it’s this: that no matter how many guns, how nice of a compound, how many concubines, or how “Jesus-y” you are, if the government wants to it can wipe you out. Because they have tanks.

You want to know how to defeat the government’s (or the Reptilian’s, if you prefer) agenda? Get inside your own head before they do! If they are already there kick them out, think for yourself, and be happy. Explore inner space and find something greater than the consumerist society there. Love somebody more than money or security. Don’t spend your life trembling over the mad fears of someone like Alex Jones. Help your neighbor. Smoke a joint or drink a beer. Give a policeman the finger if you’re really angry. Kiss a stranger after they’ve consented. Don’t waste your days consumed with hatred though. The best way to prevent a bad deed is to do a good one.

And just for good measure:


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  1. Bob

    01/08/2013 at 8:48 PM

    This is a paranormal site, but you brought this in?

    • Greg Newkirk

      01/08/2013 at 10:23 PM

      Well, to be fair, while we do focus heavily on subjects deemed “paranormal”… we’re a “zine about weird stuff”. Conspiracy most definitely falls under that category. There’s a pretty big overlap between the two quite often.

    • the Paraclete

      01/09/2013 at 6:50 AM

      You mad bro?

  2. Pingback: A brief history of Alex Jones and comparison to Bill Hicks | IlluminatiWatcher


    01/09/2013 at 3:44 PM

    Most of what Jones says IS NOT a conspiracy or a theory. Most of it is indeed fact. You have not a clue what your attempting to write about. Do your homework before you spout garbage like this, or not. I will say that living in a make believe fantasy world of “the best way to prevent a bad deed is to do a good one” could be construed as a serious mental illness. It sounds pretty whacked out to me.

    • S.

      01/10/2013 at 8:23 PM

      “You’re just going to sit there and play little factoid questions!” Sounds to me like Jones doesn’t care much for facts.

      The man who that quote originates from, John Clare, was in an asylum toward during the later part of his life. He also wrote some of the most beautiful poetry in the English language to date that will live on much longer than Jones’ pathetic, fear-mongering rhetoric.

      Hey, if you’re still slathering at the maul after reading this we can meet in the boxing ring. You can wear your red, white, and blue and I can wear my jolly roger. (Now the man who would say something like that is both reliable and intelligent.)

  4. KenChimp

    01/10/2013 at 10:04 AM

    I have my own disagreements with AJ’s style, and also see the love he has of his own voice in his works. Fortunately, unlike Morgan, his is also a lover of liberty.
    What Jones had to say on CNN the other evening is spot on, and in spite of the surprisingly cool exterior Morgan presented, he and his CNN, globalist propaganda arm colleagues were HORRIFIED at the content of that debate.
    Sure, they’ll focus on AJ’s raised voice, rambling and rabid finger pointing. But the content of the words is something that rarely, if ever, may be seen and heard in “mainstream media” in America.
    It is that one truth that makes this article worthy of a blog site devoted to “oddities beyond the pale”.
    Since the author mentions occultists and occult fiction writers such as Robert Anton Wilson, I’ll quote another. The following is a quotation of John Whiteside “Jack” Parsons, rocket scientist and occultist student of Aleister Crowley, and head of the Agape Lodge of the OTO in Pasadena in the mid to late 1940s:

    “The accumulation of undue power, whether by Government, labor, religion or capital or by any other group, must be prevented at all costs. Freedom cannot survive the alternative.
    Liberty will always be insecure until we realize this one fact. It simply does not matter who has the power, or in what name it is exercised.
    The possession or exercise of undue power, whether it be the power to ostracize, to starve, to threaten and terrorize, to restrict and inhibit, to censor and deny, by any group and for any purpose, is always wrong.”

    -John Whiteside Parsons, from “Freedom Is A Two-Edged Sword”

    • S.

      01/10/2013 at 8:32 PM

      Liberty does not come from sub-machine guns. It comes from ideas. As someone who is intimately familiar with Jack Parsons’ life and works I’m sure he would agree. In fact, in neither of the biographies about Parsons’ that I’ve read, “Sex and Rockets” or “Strange Angel”, is there any mention of him obsessing over weapons. He did use magic and science to change the world though!
      A friend of mine gave me “Three Essays on Freedom” published by Teitan Press a few years ago as a gift. As the title would imply it is a collection of Parsons’ political writings. If you read it you’ll see he was a much more sophisticated thinker than Jones just like Hicks, Wilson, and Moore. Educate and improve yourself. The one place no body of power can ever completely control is the mind.
      Well, unless they use those damn suicide pills!

  5. Bill the Bub

    01/10/2013 at 6:42 PM

    My question is this: does King Wad’s yelling over public airwaves decrease the literacy level of his dip subjects or were they already working from a deficit?

    • S.

      01/10/2013 at 8:16 PM

      They’re too busy stockpiling assault rifles and fitting their children for gas masks to read.

      The globalists are coming! It’s 1776! FBI Records!

  6. jessie

    01/10/2013 at 7:52 PM

    Why didn’t the person who wrote this have the balls to sign his or her name to the article?

    • S.

      01/11/2013 at 6:14 AM

      Women don’t have balls. 🙁

  7. grid

    03/06/2013 at 7:01 PM

    This is the worst artical I think I’ve ever read. So Jones’ paranoid ramblings are crap because he’s conservative but Alan Moore, Robert Anton Wilson, Bob Shea and Bill Hicks paranoid ramblings (about the same crap, by the way) are credible because they finish with a joke and smoke weed.


    • S.

      03/06/2013 at 7:18 PM

      Yes. That is exactly what I said. That and they produced something entertaining and worthwhile along with their “rants.”

      (Hicks didn’t enjoy marijuana by the way, man.)

  8. Sam Holtz

    03/15/2013 at 12:26 PM

    Without guns you wouldn’t be able to release your idea’s to the world. How nice does that sound? Try living in North Korea with a blog like this.

    • S.

      03/15/2013 at 1:30 PM

      Not very nice at all! It sounds like the unfounded opinion of a paranoid moron.

  9. Pingback: The Boston Marathon Bombings Brought Up a Lot of Thoughts, Mostly About Right-Wing Whininess | Cryptic Philosopher

  10. Pingback: Info-Spats: Even Conspiracy Theorists Are Sick of Alex Jones | Illuminutti

  11. william

    09/08/2013 at 11:52 PM

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