Middle Eastern River Turns Blood Red

A river in Beirut has turned to "blood", alarming locals and motivating the government's environmental ministry

“And the third angel poured out his bowl upon the rivers and fountains of waters; and they became blood.” – Revelation 16:4

Government officials are baffled by the sudden appearance of a bright, blood-red substance appearing in a Beirut river, the source of which has yet to be tracked down.

According to the Lebanon Daily Star, crews rushed to the scene on Wednesday when they discovered the substance, which was believed to be blood, making it’s way to the river through a local drainage canal, frightening locals with glimpses of the apocalypse.

While the make-up of the substance won’t be known until the sample can make it’s way to a lab, the environmental ministry isn’t jumping to biblical conclusions about the liquid’s origin. They haven’t ruled out a rogue slaughterhouse dumping waste, but have a feeling that the explanation to this mystery is a bit more mundane.

“First we thought it was blood, but it seems like it is a kind of coloring dumped by a factory,” said Bassam Sabbagh, an official assigned to the case. “After finding the source, it would be a matter of hours to get to the factory and the area where the water is originating.”

Some eyewitnesses have also stated, alarmingly, that the river sometimes turns funky colors every two months or so, but no one has really paid attention to it until now.

Results on the sample should come back in a week or two, giving everyone ample time to decide whether they want to repent for their sins or applaud Kool-Aid for some brazen viral marketing.

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