Wow. Hasn’t it been about 8 years since I last contributed a written piece to this collective? Seems sad. Eight years since writing an informative literary work on snack foods. I’ve been bothered to do a sequel, so maybe that will come later in an up-to-date video, Martha Stewart style. I’ve strayed from writing because, frankly, I’m not really that good at it unlike many of the others who contribute. I say what I say with voice and verb and freakish body movements that for some reason make people laugh, and I’m fine with that. Humor is the spice of life. Humor should come into play with every part of life, even if that life is based around the “dead” or other supernatural elements. I felt like writing about something that’s been on my mind for the past few weeks: how humor has seemed to have lost it’s way in this “field” (and I can’t believe I actually just referred to this hobby as a field in itself). I also wanted to share my opinion about how ghost hunting bores me and how it should just be left dead and buried.
Back in the day (high school) I couldn’t think of anything else that would make me happier than sneaking out with my friends (Ghost Hunters, Incorporated) at one in the morning to some abandoned graveyard or a house rumored to be haunted. I didn’t take drugs, I didn’t drink. Adventuring was my drugs and alcohol. That was my rush of adrenaline that nothing else could satisfy. It was fun and it was mind opening. It wasn’t too far into it that when something actually unexplainable happened that I questioned what exactly was going on. What exactly are we dealing with? It was the first time that I asked myself, “are we not alone?” Ghost hunting, if you want to call it that, was my safe haven growing up. It was something that always presented itself as a way out of the real. It was that thing that made you different from everyone else. It was like living in suburbia with the only house painted black. Sure, people noticed. Some would just think you’re nuts and others stupid and who knows what else. But I guarantee you that each one of those fuckers were also curious but too afraid to say something because they didn’t want their throats slit by those “satan-worshipping kids that robbed graves on the weekends” (remember, ghost hunting wasn’t mainstream back then, people didn’t get it).
The gang from Ghost Hunters, Inc. Circa 1998
I’m 24 now and it’s been about 11 years since my getting into the paranormal. I’ve noticed so many changes from that time, the time I loved, to now. Since that time, ghost hunting just seems to be a used and abused prostitute selling itself for every dime, nickel, and penny. By today’s moral standards in the field, a handshake would be like giving someone a blow jay while playing the trombone at the same time. It doesn’t make sense. Even typing this, I’m disgusted and annoyed at myself because everyone already knows this. Everyone has already read this over and over, again and again. I’m just voicing my opinion on how ghost hunting should all-together be dead and buried. I’m sick of it. I’ve been sick of it for a long time. Since it’s been globally marketed I’ve found myself saying, “fuck this” constantly. I’ll be honest when saying that just about every piece that’s been written from the GHI days to Who Forted has pretty much been by Greg or Dana. They’re like Van Helsing, Charles Fort, and Buffy combined into one wrecking machine ready to drop kick someone’s paranormal shit into next Tuesday, somewhere around brunch. Sure I’d give some of my two cents to throw in there occasionally, but not much more.
The thing is, well, I don’t care. It’s boring to me. It’s something that I have no interest in sharing with other people, and I care even less to hear their experiences, because really, it’s all the same shit. Most people lie, and some tell the truth, but you always have to question them and be skeptical of everything they say. Having to be that way just kinda sucks. People arguing on forums about their knowledge of ghosts, and whose is better than someone else’s, or who did this to this person or that to another person, then a huge argument erupts because someone attacked their “intelligence”. It’s this repetitious bullshit that has just driven me away, and I can pretty much say I will never, ever, write an article about ghosts because I don’t care anymore. Sure, I love to go out with friends to abandoned places, graveyards, and the like because those places are amazing on their own. If something weird happens, then that’s just a plus. I just don’t see the point in sharing it with anybody else except for maybe my close friends and family anymore. Sure, maybe you’ll argue that people need to share these experiences with others to open minds or to convince people that they’re not alone or whatever. Or, I could be way off and you’ll argue about something else entirely that I totally missed because I’m really not the sharpest tool in the shed (I did have “smartest tool in the shed” written there until Greg pointed that out, so you can see that I’m telling the truth). I’m simple. I’m not going to argue with anyone about this because I don’t feel the need to. I don’t even want to. To me, this “field” is dead, has been for awhile now. Yes, that pun was indeed intended.
To all the paranormal media: we all know which ones are trying to do the “right thing” and which ones aren’t and which ones just plain suck. Actually, thinking about it, the last sentence was more to internet “radio shows” because every fucking television show I’ve seen about ghosts has sucked. Not one of them has even attempted to do the “right” thing. I don’t know even what that right thing is, but those shows seem to be way off. We don’t need anymore “ghost and/or demon” shows. They’re boring and way too over-the-top at the same time. Does anyone really buy it?
That’s why my interest in the matters of specters has been vaporized. Not by the relentless attacks by Darth Vaders clone army and their damn blasters, no! Instead, it’s this clone army of televised ghost shows that have all done one thing: They’ve helped form a rebel alliance that will, hopefully in the coming years, tear apart the empire. Holy shit, did I just go off-topic, but I hope you see the meaning. I can only hear so many “EVPs” that are pretty much the same two words or a growl, or hearing the same types of haunting stories, and how “I’ve seen this” or “well, I’ve seen this!” or “my house is haunted you should come look at it, because I heard creaking noises like someones walking up the steps…”
Who fucking cares!??
Oh my hamma jamma! You gots da ghost that haunts the stairs, child!! GET THE TV CREW! It’s all the same. Wherever you turn, there it is just standing there waiting to be recognized, and you people keep going up to it and seeing if it’s ok. It’s like little kids who sit by themselves and look sad so that people come and give them attention. Fuck that! The next time you see some little kid doing that run up to them and just yell, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU! GAHHHHHHHH!!!!!” Then just walk away. WALK AWAY. All I’m saying is that because of the actions of this so-called “ghost hunting community,” which in itself is just total bullshit, you have this “cause” going around now about “paranormal unity”. Are you fucking serious? Granted, the empire needs to fall, but don’t call it paranormal unity. It’s just another excuse for some organization to crop up that will, in turn, exclude other groups because they don’t see eye to eye on every subject, and someone who’s way too serious about themselves will use the organization to do something stupid and then the whole vicious cycle happens over again. The only difference about that situation are the people being overthrown. Speaking of being too serious, on to the next topic!
What happened to the humor? WTF? Where has it gone?? Who stole it and why? It was so young and innocent. Humor is everything that makes me, well.. me. I can’t go 10 seconds without smiling. I don’t want to. That would suck. So why is it that we have to give up humor because we’re involved in this taboo that is *gulp* ghost hunting? Okay, fuck this, enough using the term ghost hunting. It’s the paranormal. Will always be paranormal. Get rid of that other thing. Every time it rolls off the tongue it brings me back to my more curious years with Greg and just leaves a rough, dry, beef jerky taste in my mouth. So I mean come on people. Laugh at yourselves! Think about what we’re all doing in the paranormal field and just start laughing. How could you not? Stop taking yourselves so damn seriously. I’m going to be honest with you right now. I want to you sit down, no wait, I want you to lie down on a couch or on something padded and make sure there are no sharp objects in reach. Are you ready? Okay, here it comes…
The paranormal is not a professional field of study. You can’t be a professional in this field. You can’t be Dr. Theodore Thompson, Professional Guy of Paranormal Stuff. That’s like saying your some dude that is a professional on alien races (space people, not the ones terkin er jerbs) jumping back and forth from the moon and earth. No! You aren’t! Because you don’t know! That’s why it’s so funny when people argue about this topic. Some gawdy pedo-looking guy in a scarf arguing with someone about how this particular ghost is here for this reason, and wants this or that, is completely ridiculous because he doesn’t know! We’ve gotten so far now that when anyone cracks a joke about this one guy, on this certain team, doing this thing with some other dude, you get a letter in the mail saying “cease what you’re doing or you’ll get sued”. I mean come on, really? The only reason we here at WF have lasted this long is becuase we aren’t afraid to speak our minds, and pretty much make it our goal to just have as much fun as possible while doing our thing. and you know what? It’s worked. Making yourself out to be this no-nonsense tough-guy in a field where everyone is chasing invisible monsters? Well, that makes you a huge asshole.
Take, for instance, Jason Hawes and Grant Wilson from their lame show Ghost Hu… ooooOOOOOoooOOoo. Almost got me there. Anyways, those guys are two prime examples of taking yourselves way too seriously. I bet the sex is rough, but not in a good way. I’ve actually sat down to watch their show a few times and wow. Could they be anymore of a couple of dick and balls? That show sucks because it’s boring. It’s not entertaining, even when they’re faking evidence. There is no humor. Did I mention that they fake stuff? Other shows like Paranormal State suck because, again, too serious, but in a different way that makes even less sense. I guess when you’re “Vatican-consulted” warriors battling demons it’s not a good idea to take things with a grain of salt. Now, Ghost Adventures….”HEY YOU! GHOST! I’MA FUCK YOU UP!” That show would be hilarious if they weren’t serious about it. Ok, never mind, it’s still hilarious.
Then you have this new show, Extreme Paranormal Fuck Up. Seriously? You people realize that we’ve come down to our lowest point with this show, right? This is a show where it’s ok to cut yourself because you’re doing it for the sake of, uhhh, umm.. “ghost research”, yeah, that’s it! A show where it’s ok to try and get possessed by a spirit because it’s for the sake of “capturing live spiritual activity on TV” (by the way, when they found Nathan on the ground, did you notice that they didn’t proceed any further with that whole scene, instead totally blowing it off like it never happened?) This show is terrible for reasons that, if I typed them all out, would only end with my fingerprints being embedded into the letters on this keyboard. First off, I know these people. I knew one of them for almost a decade and thought he was a good friend, but that’s not what this peice is about. The humor I knew from this guy, his greatest asset, was absent. There was none. The sole purpose of entertainment in this production was to attempt “extreme” stunts in an attempt to draw out paranormal activity. By “extreme”, I mean stupid. Result? A single door slam, an obviously fake EVP (which isn’t impressive at all considering anyone with a fucking taperecorder can stand just about anywhere and pick up something similar), and a forever lingering scar on the paranormal “field.” Jason was one of the funniest people I have ever had the opportunity to be friends with. What in God’s name happened? He started taking himself seriously. When you stat to feel that way about yourself and the things that you’re are doing, you tend to forget the position that you’re in. We are not professionals. None of us are. Some may know a little more information than others, but for those others that information is not that hard to obtain. I know when I need to be serious in a situation. But these people are serious in just about every situation, whether on TV or on a microphone from their parent’s basements. I know that for some people, the paranormal is their life and they’ll defend it for whatever change that comes. This is their baby. But change is going to come.
You people are boring, old, and have really fucked it up for the younger generation. Of course, there are those who have tried to steer the paranormal world into the right direction, a direction of curiosity, fascination, and intelligence, but there are far too few of them. I’m not saying be a jackass. As young teens we’ve done that, but now we’ve actually grown up a bit, if you can believe it. I don’t want to watch some asshole yell to the top of his lungs at some ghost, calling it out and actually being serious about it. That’s fucking stupid, and it’s really not funny at all. It’s sad. I want someone to yell at something with a hint of sarcastic flare that would send a grin to my face, perhaps even a chuckle to my lips. I want a group that in a middle of an investigation would break into a musical, and then continue on afterwards like nothing happened. So yeah I guess I kind of do want a jackass group of “investigators” to watch on television. But I also want to see a group that would show respect and act “serious” when the time calls for it. Some consider this new group Extreme Paranormal to be the jackass of the paranormal. To me, that would be a compliment. No, my dear fellow few readers. They are not jackassess. They are something else entirely.
People, we’re involved in a community that investigates things that have not been identified as being real. We’re searching for ghosts in all hours of the day and night in people’s houses, graveyards, abandoned buildings, etc. Not to mention that some of us take it further and go after bigger mythological game like Bigfoot, Nessie, the Chupacabra, the Jersey Devil, and the fucking Moth Man. How can you possible do these things and continue to take yourself too seriously without looking batshit crazy? How can one not take the time and think about what they are actually “investigating” and not just start laughing. I’ve hunted Bigfoot! It was probably one the coolest experiences that I’ve had the pleasure to be a part of. And guess what? It was hilarious, which made it that much better.
I hope that this strange era that the paranormal field is in will come to an end soon. With humor you can accomplish a lot. Who says humor isn’t what the paranormal world needs? It seems that humor is the only thing that the pararnormal reality shows haven’t used. Humor can heal. Humor can change who we are in a positive way. Granted, I’m not referring to our making fun of other people in this field is the right type of humor, but come on, it’s funny. If you’ve got a problem with it, why not for once trying to toss the ball back our way? We give everyone the chance to take a joke. And when you act all high-and-mighty and get all offended then you’ve given yourself away. But if you can take a joke, see it for what it is, and reciprocate? A whole new relationship emerges. We’ve been known as jerks, dicks, and horrible people for “making fun” of others, but are we really just supposed to step back and accept all that is going on around us? Eehhhhh. No. I don’t think so. We’ll speak our minds. We’ll call you out.
PS: Amy Bruni, I’d like to sincerley apologize for referring your face to that of a horse. It was really mean, but I bet you laughed a little yourself. Our condolences will be sent via US Mail soon.